#9 how do you kill a feeling?

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#4 when the past hits you in the face

So after I wrote #2, I was feeling gooooooOOOooood. Dancing in the rain good, man. I felt so much better. I felt like a damn cloud. I genuinely felt like I had put that situation behind me and that writing it all out and posting it somewhere would be like releasing all the drama but it was wishful thinking. I have no idea why this is sticking with me for so long. Since January, I’ve been overthinking the situation, or trying to convince myself that I’m not angry and I am. I’m angry that this person has done this to me. That they’re off without any care in the world about me and my situation and I’m here wondering why things had to end this way.

I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. Things like this make me wish that I could just Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind my life and just cut out all the bad things. The brain is a funny old organ, isn’t it? I just tried to sign into this blog (which I made what, three days ago) and I could not for the life of me remember the password. Yet I remember everything about this drama, right back to 2012 when things were still good.

I’m just so sick of feeling like shit over someone who doesn’t care. I’m thinking of channelling all of this into a novel? Ha, if I can’t forget it, maybe I can use it? It would be the ultimate payback almost. You hurt me and I was like, ‘Fuck you, dude, I’mma write a damn book!’ or maybe it would just be a way for me to give this saga an ending because I won’t ever get one.

Saying that, I don’t know what I’d do if A (the person) contacted me again. I find it hard to ignore people. I really do. But at the same time, I don’t think I’d respond, not with all of what I’ve been through. This situation could easily have gone left several times and that worries me but I’m still here and still standing and I have other people who want to be in my life (I think, I’m kind of like, the to-go-to friend at the moment).

I think I have a habit of attracting people who are kind of like, flip flop-ish. That or I’m the perennial depressed friend and I bring people down. I try to be bouncy and chirpy whenever I can muster up the energy but some days it’s really hard. Really hard. And I think that part of me tries to overcompensate. I try to be as nice as I can. I give people gifts, send them things so they won’t forget me, so they’ll like me and all that encourages is users.

Anyway, before I get too upset, I’m going to try and get on with the rest of my day. I don’t really have time to blog every time this situation pops into my head but if it will help, I’ll do it.

ETA: So I actually went and read the initial post and I feel good again. Maybe it’s just a case of re-reading that until I feel completely comfortable with the situation? I sure hope so. The grammar is atrocious but, hey, it’s kinda therapeutic.

#3 to be smart or not to be

I sometimes feel that in ten, twenty years, I’m probably going to be that person with the shitty job who ‘could have done so much more with her life’. That sounds really negative but after seven years of what I would deem as ‘failure’, it’s hard not feel that way. It’s hard not to feel stupid. However, I know that I’m not stupid. When I put my mind to something, I can do it. It’s just that I have trouble putting my mind to something. Lack of focus, lack of confidence and lack of concentration. I suffer from all three. I can have one great day and it will be followed by two weeks of crap. I can sometimes never understand why, though sometimes I know exactly why I have trouble. My learning process was always, ‘write all of the information, read it once over and bam’. Usually, it was in my head. Obviously as you get older, there’s more and more to process and that doesn’t really work anymore. Now I have bits and pieces floating in my head and when it comes to recalling it, I panic. I get anxious and end up blanking completely.

I’ve read a million of articles on improving focus. This one even has concentration exercises, which I will try — if I can stay focused for longer than a second!

The first one is

Exercise 1
Take a book, any book, and count the words in any one paragraph. Then, count them again, to be sure that you have counted them correctly.

After a few times, do so with two paragraphs.

When this becomes easy, count the words of a whole page. Do the counting mentally and only with your eyes, without pointing your finger at each word.

Maybe I’ll try it with this post! Trying isn’t really the problem though. I just can’t seem to stay focused, no matter what I do. Sometimes it’s hard not to just give up and say, ‘what’s the point?’. I think I’d rather know when to quit than to keep going, but for now, I’m close to the finish line and I’m just going to hope to hell that I can make it.