It was roughly twenty-four hours ago when the thought popped into my head. It was just a whisper at first and then it got louder. It grew until it was all I could hear, all I could think about. I reacted impulsively as usual, and typed out everything I was feeling until I was practically sick with a headache. I relied on a friend to talk me through everything, even though nothing she said was the right thing, something got through to me and I was able to take some power back. I didn’t hit send on the email and word-vomit all over a person who I’m sure doesn’t give a flying fuck. I know myself though and I know that I will eventually send it but it does scare me to think that I came this close to letting this person see how much I’m struggling to let them know just how low my confidence is, and let them trample all over me again by getting silence. It’s pure masochism and quite frankly I am getting sick of it. I’m tired of being drained by my feelings, thoughts and regrets over this person. I am tired of thinking about them.
But they’re the only ones who can give me answers. The only one who can short the door on this. I know that in time, things will get better. This will pass but I need the time I have now. I need it for something else, for my life and not for this stupid situation. I need closure and it sucks because I can’t give myself closure.