…and then it faded and I’m ending the day like I did yesterday, wracked with anxiety that I can’t seem to control.
Basically, I couldn’t sleep and was up early, thinking about life and I how feel like I’ve not really done much. The usual self-pitying crap. I told a friend and we did that usual song and rhyme where she tried to make me feel better and I thanked her but felt the same. Eventually, I fell asleep and was woken up and I found out some good news. Really good news. I passed my university exams. I mean, I don’t know how well I’ve done but…considering that I flunked them all last year (and repeatedly in life), I was ecstatic. I was shocked, surprised – you name it. That didn’t last long. I mean, I felt a sense of relief but after a while I just felt cold. Empty. And this is something my entire life revolves around. Why am I not feeling overjoyed? It all circles back t how I haven’t done much. I feel like I shouldn’t be happy because this is what’s expected. After all the fuck up’s I had to pass. I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to talk myself into some semblance of calm. What I’d do if things didn’t work out and then boom. It’s kind of like all of that energy is just gone.
I just don’t know where. I don’t know why it feels like I can’t breathe when for the first time in a long time, I actually have breathing room. I can actually breathe. I can start planning my studies for next year, keep on with the work experience I’m trying to do in my chosen field. I can rest a little.
There are outside factors at play, I know that but I’m a little sad that I couldn’t give myself one day.