I have this friend. We used to speak regularly and then we didn’t. And then we added each other on whatsapp and we spoke practically every day. We maintained a somewhat regular conversation even when she started studying full time. She divulged personal things and I did too. We were pretty close I’d say.
Things changed toward the start of this year. I didn’t hear from her much and I think I reached out. She had a good reason for being a little distant and I don’t actually mind the distance now and then. What really gets to me is that she picks and chooses what to respond to. It’s okay if someone can’t respond right away but to not respond at all drives me crazy. There are times when I’ve needed to talk and I see that she’s seen my message but I get nothing back. It’s hurtful and worst of all, something that she’s expressed disliking in the past. Now given that she’s always been guilty of this I guess I should not be surprised. And I’m not. I am however, completely fed up of being ignored by people who claim that they’re there for you. It’s one thing to ignore a silly picture but to do it so frequently without any attempt to respond really pisses me off. Even if it took a week to reply, I wouldn’t be mad. If she didn’t reply at all I maybe would get the hint and just move on but…
…if she gets an opportunity to talk about herself, that gets the water flowing. The dam bursts and I get more than silence.
It’s the most frustrating thing ever. And I get it sort of, she wants to update me, but if our conversations are going to focus on her life solely and nothing else, I’m not here for that. I can read her Facebook updates. I am not here for any self-absorbed crap from anyone. If I ask you how her are and she doesn’t bother to ask of me once, what’s the point? It’s like talking to someone who just doesn’t give a shit anymore and if that’s the case, I think I’m fine with it. Okay, so I’m not but friends come and go, right?
I’m just at this point in my life where I know what I can take and what I can’t take. I recently reconnected with someone who ignored me for years and have finally removed them from friend status to acquaintance. If I never hear from them again, I won’t worry myself silly because I know they don’t give a crap. We were talking and I was just saying to myself, ‘what are you doing?’. I just decided to forget about it all until I hear from them. Will I reply? Probably. I have a lot of self-esteem issues and I’m slowly realising that being a good person doesn’t mean that I have to put up with things that upset or hurt me. Nor does it mean that I have to compromise what I feel is right. Finding a balance is where I have trouble.
Being ignored is one of those things that just messes me up internally. That intensely cold feeling of being left out like a pile of trash always worms it’s way into my head and stays there. When I was a child, I moved schools and struggled to make friends. I made friends eventually with a few girls who hung out in a group. The main ‘leader’ would literally come and round them up at breaks and lunchtime and leave me on my own. The other girls wouldn’t say anything, they’d just follow along. At the time, I’m not sure how I even reacted. I’ve always been slow to realise what’s happening socially, so I had no idea that I was being bullied essentially. I just got it into my head that I’d done something wrong. I wasn’t cool enough. The sad part, the really sad part is that I ended up being friends with them. On a group basis and one-on-one basis (apart from the ringleader, but I was cool with her). It’s kind of funny but sad. I always end up being friends with the people that put me through the most. In this case, it was probably a good thing, given how young as I was. However that I remember what happened so clearly tells me that it has affected how I act. I seem to have this need for people to like me, and I automatically wonder what I’ve done wrong when people don’t.
In the past, I’ve used various forms of bravado. Being opinionated, carefree, sarcastic and snarky. It is awesome sometimes, but there’s always a part of me that wishes that I don’t need to put up a wall just to stop people from hurting me.
Anyway, I’m cool with my friend and various others. The way I see it, the time I’d spend on them is better spent on myself and boosting my esteem.