I don’t want to talk about it

I received an email the other day from a good friend of mine. It was about a topic we have discussed numerous times. Something we both liked and then began to dislike and eventually started to laugh at. Now often, I find myself doing things for other people. Like indulging them when it comes to things that I don’t particularly want to talk about. Online fandom is something that I strive to stay away from. I think it is reaching that point where the fan/celebrity relationship is essentially a full on disguised supplier/consumer relationship, except celebrities and public figures are selling some version of their lives and fans are buying into it. That’s their choice.

For me, I am glad that I got myself out of it. However, my friend is still very much kind of involved and sometimes I don’t mind. Other times the things she says are just…irrelevent to me. It’s like, ‘hey, this person still exists and these people are still stupid LOL’ and fine, we can laugh about it, but at some point, I need to move on entirely. 

For that reason, I haven’t replied yet. There was a bit more to the email, so I don’t want to ignore it but at the same time, I can’t just muster up the energy to respond. In some ways, this mirrors the fact that I’ve basically had nothing to do with the fandom for a good three months. A full solid block of complete silence. And…I kind of enjoyed it. However, on the flip side, I’ve been extremely busy so I didn’t need that added distraction. Now I have free time, I can sort of feel myself creeping back but it isn’t really I want. So I’m making a conscious effort to keep away and then whoosh, here comes some information in my inbox that requires me to get into that sort of negative headspace and think about all of these things I’ve blocked.

I’m not sure how to feel about that. I don’t want to blank my friend and I also don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to me, so I guess maybe she kind of unknowingly has to be okay with me taking the time I need before I respond or possibly nothing at all. The latter option bothers me because as much as I don’t want to get into the topic, I don’t want to be rude either.

So, I’ll probably reply at some point. It just annoys me that I can’t quite get away from the fandom, and I’ve been thinking about it. I have been for years. If I truly wanted to get it all over, I’d have to pull away from people who are my friends and I don’t think that would be beneficial for me either.

I suspect that I’m just making a mountain of a molehill and that on that particular day, I just wasn’t in the mood. Either way, I wish that trivial things like this didn’t bother me. I wish that people I don’t really know didn’t have a negative effect on me, but to circle back to the celebrity/fan relationship, this is the world we live in. Where a stranger can shape our real emotions on the basis f their concocted emotions.

It’s sad, but unfortunately, this is our reality. I am just choosing to stay away from it all.

 

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