It feels like I only ever write on here to complain about other people, but hey, not like I post that much, right?
I stumbled across some old messages today from an old friend. It’s been four years since we last spoke and I am sure that we are two very different people now. I think in some ways the fact that we were somewhat close in age but that she was independent and living her own life made me a little resentful, although, I think that was a small part of it. I’ve learnt not to compare myself to other people. Mostly because I am kind of too old for that, but not too old to set myself on the right path. I have to believe that age is just a number that has no bearing on what I can do. So, I’m hanging in there, focusing on my own journey.
Still, I contemplated leaving a message only to see that even after all of these years, I was still blocked. Whether or not I blocked her, I don’t know. I doubt it. It wasn’t and isn’t my style (unless the person is being abusive and I need to). It made me laugh. I’m sure that I’m not even a blip on her radar. We did mend things, and there was an offer of friendship but I said no. Too much had happened.
Anyway, old friends are the least of my worries. My ‘current’ friends are usually nowhere to be seen. Busy living their lives, I guess. That’s fine. I try to reconnect with people and it falls flat. Try to make new friends, it falls flat. Meanwhile, I become more closed off. I don’t go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. And even if I did, I have no one to go with. I know I’m not unique in this. There are millions who feel alone. Millions who want to be left alone. Some who don’t have the luxury of being able to sit down somewhere safe and warm and even think that they’re alone.
I might be unlucky, but I am very lucky at the same time.
I guess I just have to suck it up and get used to being left behind.