F is for Failure

So, I graduated this year. That’s great. Except, I was probably two/three years older than my classmates and…I’ve spent the last five years working on this degree. Five years and my grade wasn’t even that great. I was 3% away from achieving something decent, but it didn’t happen.

I took it as a sign. 

Or well, I’m taking it as a sign, but…in a world where your past dictates your future, I am too old to just abandon it. My degree was eight years in the making. I say eight years because I have been on the wrong path for that long. I didn’t really want to do the degree but parental pressure led me to it. And back then, I was young at least. Except, a combination of restlessness, depression and having no idea what I wanted to do meant that I struggled. I’m still convinced that there’s at least one unknown issue but…at this point, I have no idea what it is. I’m too ashamed to seek help. I feel like a failure.

There are days when I wake up, determined to make something of what I have. Use the degree to get a foot on the ladder and then figure out what I want.

Halfway through the application form is when the cracks start to appear. Do I even want to do this job? It’s not like they’re going to consider me anyway. I have limited work experience. Limited voluntary experience, limited, limited, limited – and I know I can change this. I just find it hard to get out of that negative mindset.

I always compile links, try and find things that I can do and…I freeze. I put it off for the next day and that ends up being a week after another negative spiral.

How can I expect anyone to take a chance on me when I probably wouldn’t myself? And yes, I have been in education for as long as I can remember but…is it good enough?

At the same time, I just really could do with money. So, I’m trying to come up with some jobs that aren’t necessarily related to my degree that I can do. I can’t really come up with anything. Unless, someone wants to pay me to ghost-write their autobiography for them?

Heck, I’d probably need another degree for that.

That’s all for now, but I will probably be back to write some more about my passion for writing and what’s holding me back from going after that.



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