F is for Failure

So, I graduated this year. That’s great. Except, I was probably two/three years older than my classmates and…I’ve spent the last five years working on this degree. Five years and my grade wasn’t even that great. I was 3% away from achieving something decent, but it didn’t happen.

I took it as a sign. Read More »

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Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines…

I am what some would call lax towards deadlines. There’s just something about a deadline that makes me leave it so I’m panicking in the week before, rushing around as if I haven’t had months to do. The issue, I suspect, is my waning attention span. I am unfocused and prone to distraction. It’s gotten to the point where I’m sure that I waste time trying to do things on time. I can sit and stare at a blank screen for hours, months in advance, willing the words to come. Quite often, the mental plan is for me to sit in one place for a day and write or do the bulk of the task. It’s weird that the time period can be quite lengthy but my actual working hours are low. I’ve improved in recent times. What I do is start the task and do it so that it is at least half complete. I then do small bits here and there. That works with minor projects, but major ones? Not really. I’m struggling right now to just put down a simple methods and results section – arguably the easiest part of the paper. My word count is a paltry 1500 words and the full 6000-8000 draft is due in a month. I know that week before that day will be rough.

People always chide me for leaving things to the last minute despite me telling them that I don’t. And I suspect most people don’t. It just happens that those last few moments are where I’m most focused. Obviously I wish it wasn’t that way. It’s crazy and not good if you have anxiety. Things like word block usually crop up just to make you feel like shit. It is just messy. However, I like to think that the panic drives me to do well. That I’m so busy kicking my ass for running out of time that my brain opens up and pours out wisdom and excellence along with the blood and sweat.

In my mind, I’m that marathon runner who starts off slow and makes a late surge at the end.

Today I felt happy for the first time in a long time…

…and then it faded and I’m ending the day like I did yesterday, wracked with anxiety that I can’t seem to control.

Basically, I couldn’t sleep and was up early, thinking about life and I how feel like I’ve not really done much. The usual self-pitying crap. I told a friend and we did that usual song and rhyme where she tried to make me feel better and I thanked her but felt the same. Eventually, I fell asleep and was woken up and I found out some good news. Really good news. I passed my university exams. I mean, I don’t know how well I’ve done but…considering that I flunked them all last year (and repeatedly in life), I was ecstatic. I was shocked, surprised – you name it. That didn’t last long. I mean, I felt a sense of relief but after a while I just felt cold. Empty. And this is something my entire life revolves around. Why am I not feeling overjoyed? It all circles back t how I haven’t done much. I feel like I shouldn’t be happy because this is what’s expected. After all the fuck up’s I had to pass. I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to talk myself into some semblance of calm. What I’d do if things didn’t work out and then boom. It’s kind of like all of that energy is just gone.

I just don’t know where. I don’t know why it feels like I can’t breathe when for the first time in a long time, I actually have breathing room. I can actually breathe. I can start planning my studies for next year, keep on with the work experience I’m trying to do in my chosen field. I can rest a little.

There are outside factors at play, I know that but I’m a little sad that I couldn’t give myself one day.

#10 Failure.

Back when I was younger, I would get pulled aside by my teachers and they would tell me to make sure that I studied and kept up with what  I was doing, because being female and non-white, it would be hard for me to get where I wanted. At the time, it felt like they were putting a lot of pressure on me. I mean, I was under the age of 12, I was reasonably smart and I kind of thought I knew everything. Going through school, I tended to have a sort of half-an-half approach.Read More »