Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines…

I am what some would call lax towards deadlines. There’s just something about a deadline that makes me leave it so I’m panicking in the week before, rushing around as if I haven’t had months to do. The issue, I suspect, is my waning attention span. I am unfocused and prone to distraction. It’s gotten to the point where I’m sure that I waste time trying to do things on time. I can sit and stare at a blank screen for hours, months in advance, willing the words to come. Quite often, the mental plan is for me to sit in one place for a day and write or do the bulk of the task. It’s weird that the time period can be quite lengthy but my actual working hours are low. I’ve improved in recent times. What I do is start the task and do it so that it is at least half complete. I then do small bits here and there. That works with minor projects, but major ones? Not really. I’m struggling right now to just put down a simple methods and results section – arguably the easiest part of the paper. My word count is a paltry 1500 words and the full 6000-8000 draft is due in a month. I know that week before that day will be rough.

People always chide me for leaving things to the last minute despite me telling them that I don’t. And I suspect most people don’t. It just happens that those last few moments are where I’m most focused. Obviously I wish it wasn’t that way. It’s crazy and not good if you have anxiety. Things like word block usually crop up just to make you feel like shit. It is just messy. However, I like to think that the panic drives me to do well. That I’m so busy kicking my ass for running out of time that my brain opens up and pours out wisdom and excellence along with the blood and sweat.

In my mind, I’m that marathon runner who starts off slow and makes a late surge at the end.

I’m good at wasting time

So, I’m kickstarting this blog again because my other blog has become this behemoth time waster. I put time and energy into writing each post and like my charming recent foe mockingly informed me, nobody reads it. I don’t mind. But in some sense, when you’ve had a response before, it is hard not to put effort into things and now it just feels forced so I’m back here.

Right now my anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF, SO YEAH. I’m hoping that randomly sharing my thoughts here will help with things. I’m watching a show called Copper at the moment and trying to sleep. The trouble is that I can’t sleep. And that’s just making my anxiety worse. Also I want cake, but that’s just me being quirky and weird.

Well. Until next time.

Being ignored by someone is never easy.

I have this friend. We used to speak regularly and then we didn’t. And then we added each other on whatsapp and we spoke practically every day. We maintained a somewhat regular conversation even when she started studying full time. She divulged personal things and I did too. We were pretty close I’d say.

Things changed toward the start of this year. I didn’t hear from her much and I think I reached out. She had a good reason for being  a little distant and I don’t actually mind the distance now and then.  What really gets to me is that she picks and chooses what to respond to. It’s okay if someone can’t respond right away but to not respond at all drives me crazy. There are times when I’ve needed to talk and I see that she’s seen my message but I get nothing back. It’s hurtful and worst of all, something that she’s expressed disliking in the past. Now given that she’s always been guilty of this I guess I should not be surprised. And I’m not. I am however, completely fed up of being ignored by people who claim that they’re there for you. It’s one thing to ignore a silly picture but to do it so frequently without any attempt to respond really pisses me off. Even if it took a week to reply, I wouldn’t be mad. If she didn’t reply at all I maybe would get the hint and just move on but…

…if she gets an opportunity to talk about herself, that gets the water flowing. The dam bursts and I get more than silence.
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There’s a new epidemic in town and it’s called self-promotion.

Self promotion isn’t necessarily a bad thing. How will you get that perfect job, or that perfect relationship if you don’t believe in yourself? You won’t. If done tastefully, self-promotion is absolutely fine. However in the age of social media and instant updates, it has grown to be a huge thing that leaves a sour taste in the mouth. These days, it’s masked as being ‘who you are’ and sharing your experiences with others. People are encouraged to post countless selfies and trade their confidence for compliments. We have people posting every thing they do for some kind of recognition, even though at the end of the day, sometimes they’re just not that special. Sometimes we don’t need to see a timeline of your perfect life. Especially when we know that it isn’t real. It’s an illusion.

We have people using charitable acts to prove that they have depth and character but if all one knows about your campaign is that you support it, something isn’t quite right. There’s the humblebragger, the person who’s constantly buying new things, the person who refuses to stop until everyone has seen whatever they want to promote. The people who can’t see beyond their own melodrama long enough to give a damn about anyone else.

In the midst of that, there’s one thing I always notice. Those who are so well versed in self-promotion are always the first to kick other people down. They’re always the first to pass judgement. They’re always the ones who complain about being judged. They’re the people who never want to be held accountable for what they say. Yet, they self-promote the good in their lives and ignore their own negative qualities.

Life is all about learning from mistakes. The bad stuff can’t be erased and replaced with good things. The past isn’t a mirage, it’s a huge scribble, drawn permanent marker. You can’t look at one part without seeing the rest.

If it isn’t worth bragging about, maybe you shouldn’t do it.

Learn how to be humble and appreciative.

Don’t be an asshole.

Focus on good attributes and not materialistic items.

Promote realities and not dreams.

If you want to raise awareness for a good cause, don’t make it all about you because in the long run, it won’t help anybody.

Be real, because at the end of the day, there’s alway going to be someone who can’t spot the difference between something genuine and something fake.

Things I don’t understand.

Life, for one.

I don’t understand life.

I don’t understand human beings. I really don’t.

Lately, it feels like a lot of people are pretending. They want to be seen as nice, fair, kind but they don’t seem to want to put the work into being those things.

So they jump.

They find ways to make themselves look better and hope to hell others believe it. They don’t acknowledge their mistakes.

That, to me, is the deal breaker.

You’ve got to acknowledge your mistakes for me to believe that you’re genuine. Or at least have the guts to say you’re not sorry for what you did, but don’t pretend. Don’t act like it didn’t happen. Don’t make yourself out to be the victim when once upon a time, you were the perpetrator.

It’s dishonest.

It’s not healthy.

It won’t end well.

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Today I felt happy for the first time in a long time…

…and then it faded and I’m ending the day like I did yesterday, wracked with anxiety that I can’t seem to control.

Basically, I couldn’t sleep and was up early, thinking about life and I how feel like I’ve not really done much. The usual self-pitying crap. I told a friend and we did that usual song and rhyme where she tried to make me feel better and I thanked her but felt the same. Eventually, I fell asleep and was woken up and I found out some good news. Really good news. I passed my university exams. I mean, I don’t know how well I’ve done but…considering that I flunked them all last year (and repeatedly in life), I was ecstatic. I was shocked, surprised – you name it. That didn’t last long. I mean, I felt a sense of relief but after a while I just felt cold. Empty. And this is something my entire life revolves around. Why am I not feeling overjoyed? It all circles back t how I haven’t done much. I feel like I shouldn’t be happy because this is what’s expected. After all the fuck up’s I had to pass. I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to talk myself into some semblance of calm. What I’d do if things didn’t work out and then boom. It’s kind of like all of that energy is just gone.

I just don’t know where. I don’t know why it feels like I can’t breathe when for the first time in a long time, I actually have breathing room. I can actually breathe. I can start planning my studies for next year, keep on with the work experience I’m trying to do in my chosen field. I can rest a little.

There are outside factors at play, I know that but I’m a little sad that I couldn’t give myself one day.